Being a Mom is everything I dreamed it would be and many things I didn’t expect. There were new feelings I couldn’t know I would feel. I realize that sounds like a bag of mixed feelings but let me explain. Before having babies, I knew I would love them, think they were the best and want the whole world for them. But then I actually had my kids and I loved them more intensely than I was prepared for, thought they were the best of all children and wanted the whole world for them but not all the worries in it.

Nobody told me that being a parent would also mean also being perpetually worried. When I was pregnant, I was worried about miscarriage and if the my pregnancy would end in a healthy baby. After each of my boys was born, it continued. Were they growing enough, eating enough, sleeping enough? As they’ve grown into bigger kids, my worry has shifted to questions like… do they feel loved? Do they have a sense of belonging? And also, do they eat enough, sleep enough? I feel like these are the universal questions of mothers everywhere.

Like any new and challenging thing, it’s hard at first and then we adjust. And I did! I figured out how to keep babies alive and get out of the house, get a full night of sleep and finally, potty train little people and finally, send them to school! Now wasn’t that day a miraculous one!!! It was equal parts happy and sad but also, necessary!

I’ve been a mom for 12 years and as I reflected on my kids and how far we’ve come together this past Mother’s Day, I wrote about how I feel about each of them at this stage in their lives…

Hudson constantly fills me with wonder with who he’s becoming. You know when your kids are little that they will eventually grow up but it does feel very far away and possibly theoretical. Those younger years are so long and very tired. So to see him actually growing up, almost taller than the body that grew him… it fills me with a sense of pride and also surprise. It’s actually happening! He’s becoming! He’s unfolding and unfurling. Like a flower in the spring, you plant the seed, you watch it grow and the flower bud develops and you know it’s going to be a rose or a begonia or a lilac. You even know the color or its anticipated scent. But when it actually begins to become that flower, it’s so fascinating and beautiful you can’t look away. How did that little seed become this glorious once in a lifetime expression? That’s how I feel about Hudson. I know him well and I’ve had an idea of what kind of big kid and even young adult he might grow up to be for sometime now but it’s so cool to watch him become. I find myself watching him in wonder. He says I’m being creepy and weird. I just laugh. I’m just so proud of him.

My feelings around Owen are entirely different because he’s my 2nd child but also my last child. He’s my baby. His beginnings were tumultuous and a little scary. There was a time in my life that I was afraid maybe we’d lose him. And even though he’s now so big, vibrant and energetic, that fear still lingers in the corners. But the corners get smaller the older he gets and it feels like a relief. Because I know from my bigger boy that these younger years are fleeting, I find myself savoring Owen’s 8 year old self in a way I didn’t with his brother. He’s still snuggly and wants long tuck ins at bedtime. He wants stories and more stories. And sometimes he wants us to stay with him until he’s asleep. When he asks, I usually say yes. Because I know there will come a day when he doesn’t want me to stay anymore. I want him to grow up because that’s what kids should do but I also want him to take his sweet time. There’s no rush. It’ll happen when it’s time. For now, maybe we should read another book together, while I try not to be distracted by his little nose or the freckles the sun kissed him with.

_ _ _

Wherever you are in your mom journey, take a moment to be proud of yourself. The love you feel, the responsibility and the stress, the joy and the heart bursting moments, the tears… you can’t pick and choose what it will be on any given day but it’s all motherhood and you’re doing it. And that is more than enough.

xo Bonnie

In November of 2021, my son got Covid. It was back when everyone had to stay away from others for 10 days so we all stayed home. We canceled our trip to Florida. We canceled Thanksgiving. And then my husband also got Covid and it turned into 3 dreadful weeks of just being home. I’m sure many of you experienced this same story at some point… probably even the canceled trips or holiday plans.

I can tell you I didn’t have the same attitude I did when Covid entered our lives in 2020. I didn’t clean out the closets and start trying new recipes. I just went on Instagram. A lot. It was my window to the outside world and a way to connect with people while I was stuck at home. When everyone was recovered and the kids were back in school, I found myself checking Instagram so many times throughout the day and even picking up my phone for no reason whatsoever. Apparently I’d hit a new level of photo addiction and it didn’t feel good. I knew it was time to break the habit.

Little side note: I don’t do Snapchat or Facebook. Facebook got deleted years ago because of all the drama. The articles people post, the arguments people have… It ruined my day enough times that I just didn’t want to spend time there anymore. I post my blogs and sell things on marketplace and that’s about it.

Okay, back to breaking the social media habit. Deleting Instagram felt a little bit scary for me because I’ve relied on it to help prop up my social life through Covid and it had started to feel like an essential part of maintaining friendships and even, making them. If you know me, you’ll know friendship and community are really important to me. I invest a lot of time and heart into cultivating a sense of belonging. I was nervous that stepping back from social media would isolate me. The first few days were hard and I noticed myself picking up my phone with nowhere to go. Eventually, I stopped picking up my phone as often.

I didn’t delete Instagram with any expectations other than to stop being so glued to my phone but over the 30 days I was off of it, some really big things happened.

1. I began to be more present in my actual life. The more distance I put between myself and all online interactions, the more grounded I felt. It was even a physical feeling. I would think about Instagram and then realize I wasn’t going to check it and I could feel my thoughts settle back into my body and away from an “out there” digital space. My body started feeling present in the spaces I was physically in. It’s hard to explain but it felt good.
2. I took less photos. This might sound like a negative but it’s not. I still took photos but they were purely for my own enjoyment. Capturing the moment for our family instead of my 500 closest friends helped me just take the picture without trying to make sure it was great. And then we’d move on to the next moment. No food pictures, not a single photo where I was thinking about what I’d caption with it when I posted it. Just the memory and then back to living in the present moment.
3. My phone usage went down A LOT. With my phone spending more time on the counter, I used it about 30% less. That adds up to a lot more time living life. I read somewhere recently that people spend about half of their waking hours on their phone. That’s half their life. Half their LIFE! It’s something to think about.
4. This last one was a huge surprise. I felt less lonely. It’s ironic that staying off a media tool built to create connection actually lead to feelings of loneliness. I read an article in the Wall Street Journal about this very thing last week that talked about how women are “often online and increasingly lonely” and I related. And it’s not like I don’t see people or have friends. I work really hard to maintain my relationships. I think what happened was that I didn’t see all the fun things others were doing, the highlights of people’s lives and who was hanging out with who. I didn’t feel like I was missing out on anything. It was the most unexpected part of my social media break.

Since that 30 day break, I’ve deleted half the accounts I followed. I’m going to delete more. I’m down to design/decor, a few celebrities I like and friends. I add and deleted the app about once a week because I don’t have the self control to just leave it alone when the app is on my phone. I still like to check in, post a photo and see what’s going on but that month break was such a reminder of how life used to always feel and I want more of it. I want to be engaged in my real life… the one that’s being lived away from a phone screen. I want to feel present and grounded. And I like feeling less lonely. Real friends will check in, regardless of your social media presence. I know people use Instagram for work and business so I know not everyone can just step away for huge periods of time. But take a break. You might be surprised by how good it feels!

xo Bon

It’s been a year since I started this blog. I haven’t written on a schedule but it’s been something fun to do when I feel like it! I hope you’ve enjoyed it! Just like last year, I’m sharing my top 6 books of the year. I read 31 books last year and listened to 2 audiobooks. I didn’t include the audiobooks in this list but Greenlights by Matthew McConaughey was excellent and he reads it so if you’re a fan, it’s a must listen!

1. The Four Winds: This book was amazing!! The story is set in the Great Depression during the dust bowl in Texas. The main character is a woman who endures incredible hardship and finds her way during a terrible time for so many. I cannot recommend this book enough.
2. Our Italian Summer: I read this book while on vacation in Hawaii. It was funny to be immersed in this fabulous adventure with all the sights, sounds and flavors of Italy and then put my book down and see the swaying palms and tropical everything of Hawaii. If you’ve ever wanted to visit Italy, this book will get you planning. The story centers around 3 generations of women who travel to Italy together. They all have their reasons for agreeing to the trip and in the end, they all get more out of it than they’d expected to. This book just made me happy!
3. The Rose Code: This book was excellent!! I love historical fiction and this one is set in WW2. It’s a story about code breakers, many of whom were women. The book had a good pace and held some mystery that I couldn’t quite figure out until the author spelled it out. My only criticism is that the author should’ve ended the book earlier than she did. Sometimes it’s better to let the reader imagine the ending, rather than tie up all the loose ends.
4. The Paper Palace: The author explores the tensions between a love from youth next to the love of a long marriage. It was well written and the story pulled me in quickly. This story had so much tension, an intense love story and honestly, some pretty awful childhood trauma so that’s a trigger warning for sure. The ending was perfectly executed.
5. The Last Thing He Told Me: The pace on this book was really good and the story was tightly wound. One of the reviews said it was heartbreaking and I kept waiting for it. The story itself kept me engaged but I kept waiting for the promised moment it would feel tragic. It’s the ending… the last sentence on the last page that broke my heart. It was a beautiful and well written story that I read in just a couple days. That’s always a good sign!
6. I’m torn… see below! 🙂

Ok first let’s talk about ‘Taste’ by Stanley Tucci. In my mind, he will forever be Julia Child’s husband in the movie Julie & Julia and also the endearing but also look down his nose assistant from The Devil Wears Prada. I started this book already admiring his work and the characters he’s played in so many good movies. His stories of a food-filled childhood, the family recipes he shares and the challenges and losses he’s experienced throughout his life made for a heart warming, thoughtful and delicious read. I really liked it. It made me feel good and it was a nice break from the stresses of my own life. Tucci also built a good case for giving a dirty martini another chance.

The Book of Two Ways was a deep, intense story of love and loss. The themes were complex and I felt that she went very in depth into a couple of them… almost too in depth and I understand why she did it but it did make it hard for me to keep going at times. That’s the only reason I didn’t make this my final pick. With that said, it was SO GOOD. Once I got through some of the technical jargon, the actual story was so incredibly good, the characters were filled with tension and the ending was exactly what it should be.

So maybe we call these two 5.5 & 6. They’re so different but I’m into them both for my last pick.

What are you reading right now? I’ve already read one good book that will probably be a top pick and I have a stack that I can’t wait to get to!

xo Bonnie

The handy thing about wearing a mask on an airplane is that you can bawl your eyes out and nobody can tell. But maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me start at the beginning…

Canceled. It’s the one word no traveler wants to see on the morning of their flight. It’s especially not what we wanted to see on the morning we were flying from Seattle to Austin to see my husband’s brother and family. We’d already canceled a trip to see them at Thanksgiving because half our household had Covid. This was the do over trip… something to make up for the intense disappointment we’d all experienced a month earlier. We’d driven to Seattle the evening before our flight because the roads were dicey with all the snow we’d gotten after Christmas. It took us 3 hours to do a 2 hour drive to our hotel and the flight status still said “on time” so we went to bed feeling excited for the following day. Our family loves to travel and we love the people we were headed to visit!

When the 6am alarm jarred us awake the next morning, there was an email that our flight had been canceled. I called our airline and the message said the wait time was approximately 10-20 hours. (We still hadn’t received a call back, 2 days later!) There were no flights going out of Seattle to anywhere close to Texas. We tried Portland. Nothing. We entertained renting  a car and driving to Texas.  We talked about going home. Our kids were FREAKING out… their cousins mean the world to them and the thought of not seeing everyone was unbearable for my boys.

There’s nothing like bawling kids to amp up Mom and Dad into super hero fix-it mode. We came up with a hair-brained plan and gave the kids a choice. Option 1: We go home and try to get on a flight in a couple days and hope the forecast didn’t dump more snow like it was promising. ** Option 2: Hustle our buns to the car rental shop, rent a car and drive to San Francisco to catch a flight to Dallas and then drive another 3 hours to Austin with just enough time to spare to play with cousins before bedtime. We needed a massive buy-in from the kids for this to work… NO complaining, NO whining and definitely NO fighting in the car. Guess what they picked?

We hustled to my car, parked it at SeaTac for our return flight and rented a one way rental to San Francisco. Packed into the rental, we headed on an adventure that felt like the best possible option while also fully aware that this was maybe a little crazy!!

It took us 13.5 hours with stops for gas and the fastest food we could get, to finally arrive in San Francisco. We drove through rain, slush, black ice, snow and finally dry roads. We listened to an audio book together, the kids played games and watched movies and mostly impressed us with their commitment to this ridiculous adventure. The sight of our hotel at 1:30am left us all feeling delirious and possibly a bit deranged. Like a turkey left in the oven too long, everyone was dry and brittle with little patience or logic left.  We’d been awake for 20 hours and collapsed into bed, exhausted.

The next morning, everyone packed up their bags with joy, knowing our extreme measures were paying off. We headed to the airport, returned our car and made our way to airport security on the train. It was during this last trek that we got another email. Our new, expensive and non-refundable flight was delayed. At first it was only 30 minutes and that seemed fine. But then it was an hour. And then it was 2.5 hours. At this point, we’d be arriving in Austin after the cousins were in bed… if we arrived at all! What if this flight canceled too?!? And to top it off, we saw another flight that was not available the day before, headed directly to Austin and leaving in 20 minutes. It was just too much.

Finally, FINALLY, we boarded our flight. After all the delays, we just sat there on the airplane, waiting for someone to announce that the flight was canceled and we should exit the aircraft. I mean, why not? At this point, anything was possible. When the wheels finally lifted off the ground, I sat back with a huge sigh of relief.

And then… the final straw. After a canceled flight, 2 hotels, 17 hours of driving and another flight delayed 3 times, I sat down in my seat on the plane and opened my table to watch Emily in Paris, season 2. I’d downloaded the whole season, saving it for this trip and after so much stress, time and extra money spent, I sighed happily, knowing that FINALLY I could start this vacation and relax. I clicked on the Netflix icon and it would NOT open. We tried everything. It. Would. Not. Open. Can you hear that last straw snap? I was on a flight with nothing but a mediocre book and my own heaping pile of self pity and exhaustion. I sat there stewing and about halfway through the flight, it just bubbled over and there was nothing left to do but cry.

And that’s where my mask came to the rescue. Along with the airplane noise and dim lighting, not even my son next to me noticed as I sobbed my eyes out. Lol!! I’m not very good at crying… I’m better at stuffing. But man, when I finally do, I feel like a new person afterwards!! This time was no different.

We did finally make it to Austin where we had the best time with family. The kids played hard, we all stayed up late every night, laughed until we cried, rang in the New Year, and finally headed home again. And now… after our real life ‘Planes, Trains & Automobiles’ adventure is over, the laundry is washed and we’re settling back in at home, I can almost laugh about it.

Almost.

xo Bon

** It turned out that any flights we would’ve taken a few days later got canceled as well. I’m so glad we did that crazy trip or we’d never have made it to Texas!